Who's On First?

Abbott:  Well Costello, Iím going to New York with you. You know, Bucky Harris, the Yankís manager gave me a job as coach for as long as youíre on the team.

Costello:  Look Abbott, if youíre the coach, you must know all the players.

Abbott:  Right, certainly do.

Costello:  Well, I never met the guys, so youíll have to tell me their names, and then Iíll know whoís playing on the team.

Abbott:  Oh, Iíll tell you their names, but you know strange as it may seem, they give these ball players now a days, very peculiar names.

Costello:  You mean funny names?

Abbott:  Strange names, pet names. Like, Dizzy Dean, andÖ

Costello:  His brother Daffy?

Abbott:  Daffy Dean.

Costello:  And their French cousin.

Abbott:  French?

Costello:  Goofeí.

Abbott:  Goofeí Dean, oh I see! Well letís see, we have on the bags, we have Whoís on first, Whatís on second, and I Donít Know is on third.

Costello:  Thatís what I want to find out.

Abbott:  I say, Whoís on first, Whatís on second, and I Donít Knowís on third.

Costello:  Are you the manager?

Abbott:  Yes.

Costello:  You going to be the coach too?

Abbott:  Yes.

Costello:  And you donít  know the fellowís names?

Abbott:  Well I should.

Costello:  Well then who is on first?

Abbott:  Yes.

Costello:  I mean the fellowís name.

Abbott:  Who.

Costello:  The guy on first.

Abbott:  Who.

Costello:  The first baseman.

Abbott:  Who!

Costello:  The guy playing first base.

Abbott:  Who is on first.

Costello:  Iím asking you whoís on first!

Abbott:  Thatís the manís name.

Costello:  Thatís whose name?

Abbott:  Yeah.

Costello:  Well go ahead and tell me.

Abbott:  Thatís it.

Costello:  Thatís who?

Abbott:  Yeah.

(Pause)

Costello:  Look, you got a first baseman?

Abbott:  Certainly.

Costello:  Whoís playing first?

Abbott:  Thatís right.

Costello:  When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbott:  Every dollar of it.

Costello:  All Iím trying to find out is the fellowís name on first base.

Abbott:  Who.

Costello:  The guy that gets the money.

Abbott:  Thatís it.

Costello:  Who gets the money on first base?

Abbott:  He does, every dollar! Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello:  Whose wife?

Abbott:  Yes. (Pause) Whatís wrong with that?

Costello:  Look, all I want to know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract?

Abbott:  Who.

Costello:  The guy.

Abbott:  Who.

Costello:  How does he sign it?

Abbott:  Thatís how he signs it!

Costello:  Who?

Abbott:  Yes.

(Pause)

Costello:  All Iím trying to find out is whatís the guyís name on first base.

Abbott:  No, whatís on second base.

Costello:  Iím not asking whoís on second.

Abbott:  Who is on first!

Costello:  One base at a time!

Abbott:  Well donít change the players around!

Costello:  Iím not changing nobody!

Abbott:  Take it easy, buddy.

Costello:  All Iím asking you, whoís the guy on first base?!

Abbott:  Thatís right.

Costello:  Okay.

Abbott:  Alright.

(Pause)

Costello:  Whatís the guyís name on first base?!

Abbott:  No, What is on second!

Costello:  Iím not asking you whoís on second!

Abbott:  Whoís on first.

Costello:  I donít know.

Abbott:  Oh, heís on third. Weíre not talking about him. Now letís get back to first.

Costello:  Now how did I get on third base?

Abbott:  Well you mentioned his name.

Costello:  If I mentioned the third basemanís name, who did I sayís playing third?

Abbott:  No, Whoís playing first.

Costello:  Whatís on first?

Abbott:  Whatís on second.

Costello:  I donít know.

Abbott:  Heís on third.

Costello:  There I go, back on third again! Will you stay on third base and donít go off it?

Abbott:  Alright, what do you want to know?

Costello:  Now whoís playing third base?!

Abbott:  Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?

Costello:  What am I putting on third?!

Abbott:  No, What is on second.

Costello:  You donít want who on second?!

Abbott:  No, Who is on first.

Costello:  I donít know!

Both: Third base!

(Pause)

Costello:  Look, you got outfield?

Abbott:  Sure.

Costello:  The left fielderís name?

Abbott:  Why.

Costello:  I just thought Iíd ask you.

Abbott:  Well I just thought Iíd tell you.

Costello:  Then tell me who is playing left field.

Abbott:  Who is playing first.

Costello:  Iím notÖStay out of the infield! I want to know, whatís the guyís name in left field?

Abbott:  No, What is on second.

Costello:  Iím not asking whoís on second.

Abbott:  No, Who is on first.

Costello:  I donít know.

Both:  Third base!

(Pause)

Costello:  And left fielderís name?

Abbott:  Why!

Costello:  Because.

Abbott:  No, heís center field.

Costello:  (Fumbles words loudly)

Abbott:  Well thatís the fellowís name.

Costello:  Look, look, look, you got a pitcher?

Abbott:  Sure.

Costello:  The pitcherís name?

Abbott:  Tomorrow.

Costello:  You donít want to tell me today?

Abbott:  Iím telling you then.

Costello:  Well go ahead.

Abbott:  Tomorrow.

Costello:  What time?

Abbott:  What time what?

Costello:  At what time tomorrow are you going to tell me whoís pitching?

Abbott:  Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is onÖ

Costello:  Iíll break your arm you say whoís on first! I want to know, whatís the pitcherís name?

Abbott:  Whatís on second!

Costello:  I donít know!

Both:  Third base!

(Pause)

Costello:  Got a catcher?

Abbott:  Certainly.

Costello:  The catcherís name.

Abbott:  Today.

Costello:  Today? And tomorrowís pitching?

Abbott:  Now youíve got it.

Costello:  All we got is a couple of days on the team. You know, Iím a catcher too.

Abbott:  So they tell me.

Costello:  I get behind the plate, do some fancy catching. Tomorrowís pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up.

Abbott:  Yes.

Costello:  Now, the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I want to throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball, and throw it to who?

Abbott:  Now thatís the first thing that youíve said right.

Costello:  I donít even know what Iím talking about!

Abbott:  Well thatís all you have to do!

Costello:  Is throw the ball to first base?

Abbott:  Yes.

Costello:  Now whoís got it?

Abbott:  Naturally.

(Pause)

Costello:  Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebodyís got to get it. Now who has it?

Abbott:  Naturally.

Costello:  Who?

Abbott:  Naturally.

Costello:  Naturally?

Abbott:  Naturally.

Costello:  So I pick up the ball and throw it to Naturally?

Abbott:  No you donít! You throw the ball to Who!

Costello:  Naturally.

Abbott:  Thatís different.

Costello:  Thatís what I said.

Abbott:  Youíre not saying that.

Costello:  I throw the ball to Naturally?

Abbott:  You throw it to Who.

Costello:  Naturally.

Abbott:  Thatís it.

Costello:  Thatís what I said!

Abbott:  Listen, you ask me.

Costello:  I throw the ball to who?

Abbott:  Naturally.

Costello:  Now you ask me.

Abbott:  You throw the ball to Who?

Costello:  Naturally.

Abbott:  Thatís it.

Costello:  Same as you!

Abbott:  You just changed them around.

Costello:  Same as you! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball, the guy runs to second, who picks up the ball, throwís it to what, what throwís it to I donít know, I donít know throwís it back to tomorrow, triple play!

Abbott:  Yes.

Costello:  Another guy gets up, and itís a long fly ball to because. Why? I donít know, heís on third, and I donít give a darn!

Abbott:  OhÖWhat?

Costello:  I said, I donít give a darn!

Abbott:  Oh, thatís our short stop.

Costello:  (Fumbles words loudly)